Lessons from Paris

I got back from Paris last week – but don’t worry. I’m not going to bore you with how awesome, amazing, blah blah blah it was. I was out of the country. For a week. Not working. Drinking a lot of wine. You know how awesome it was. What I WILL tell you are a few lessons I learned while in Paris so if YOU ever find yourself there, you can be prepared.

The Louvre:

·         AKA: The worst museum ever. You should go – one time – and spend as little time as possible in there. You should spend more time outside taking obligatory pictures of the triangle sphere entrance than you spend inside the actual museum.

·         Out of the 1,349,972 items in the Louvre, you will want to see 3-4 items (depending on your knowledge of art). Those things are located on exact opposite ends of the museum and you will need to wade through roughly 9,000 people to get to each.

·         The Louvre is an uncontrolled version of Disneyland. At Disneyland – everyone has a purpose and it’s to ride those freakin’ rides. You stand in line, you ride the ride, you walk to the next ride and repeat. At the Louvre – everyone in that museum knows they only want to see those 3-4 things, but there are a whole bunch of other things in there that make you feel guilty for passing by without looking at them. So what you GET is 8,000 people aimlessly wandering around snapping pictures of pictures that they don’t give a shit about. The other 1,000 people are rushing around trying to find the Mona Lisa and getting mad at the people pretending to give a shit about the art they are looking at. Complete chaos.

·         The Mona Lisa is small. Just know that now before you go so you don’t get too disappointed. Also, because of the number of people surrounding the image – you will not get to be close to it, making it appear even smaller. Don’t try and take a picture of it. If you are that attached to that lady, just buy a postcard – it will be better quality.

Public Transportation:

·         Washington needs this for these reasons:

1.       It’s cheaper than driving

2.       It cuts down on traffic

3.       It cuts down on drunk driving

4.       It is aMAZing for people watching

French Language:

·         Vowels don’t count for the French. Mumble the consonants together when you are trying to imitate the language and you’ll be good to go.

French People

·         These people can human watch like the best of them. There are cafés on every corner…at these cafés are tables and chairs outside. You would think people who sit at these tables would like to face eachother. NOPE. They don’t. The tables are SET UP so that all chairs face the street…so that you can watch the people walking by…and judge them.

 French Food

·         There is no reason to eat anything other than pan au chocolate’s (chocolate croissants) and ham and cheese crepes. I proved that a human can in fact live off of these two things for at least 8 days.

·         There is no reason to drink anything other than wine. But you already knew that…

That’s it in a nutshell. You are now prepared to travel to France.

IM with a coworker:

(In reference to Carson Daily hosting the US live coverage of the Olympics)

Coworker: carson daly, are you fucking kidding me right now

Me: but he is SO good at hosting live TV

i know you would have preferred Ryan Seacrest but London was on a budget for this

Coworker:  I would prefer anything female, preferably a british girl with teeth fucked up enough to be considered cute, but not horribly ugly

Me:  I was not aware that any level of fucked up teeth was considered cute...

Coworker:  are you kidding me, it's like a beauty mark in your mouth teeth that love so much they want to hug each other

Me: o.m.g.

IM with Cow:

(In reference to an item found on Pinterest)

Me: This is fucking ridiculous:

 (**Caption: Stenciled cinnamon sugar or powdered food colors on a pie crusts. Cute!**)

Cow: I am literally annoyed right now.

Stay tuned for the next post: Why traveling with your parents is like traveling with toddlers.