The perils of online dating...

GUESS WHAT!!! I started an online dating profile...again. I blame you people because this decision was made on a very bored friday afternoon due to a complete lack of interesting status updates on Facebook. I was so bored I literally thought creating an online profile sounded interesting.

Which site was lucky enough to have my profile grace its singles?? Well, some of you may be aware that I spent a weird, sometimes hilarious, and overall uncomfortable 3 months on EHarmony a year ago. At the end of that experience I had 3 horrible first date stories to call my own and -$60 from my bank account.

This time, I decided to be with the PEOPLE. Those that refused to be tamed by the man. Refused to be defined by 60 multiple choice questions. Refused to fill out 5 pages of standardized test-esq short answer questions, only to be forced to exchange weird, predetermined questions with someone that answered at least 5% of the 60 starter questions the same way they did.

NO. I would not do it.

In reality, I was too lazy to spend the 3 hours it would take to set up another EHarmony account again...and I wanted to spend the $60 on wine. So I joined Plenty of Fish - surpassed only by OKCupid in number of weirdos who frequent it. Took me 5 minutes to write my "bio", post the most attractive pictures I could find of myself, and I was OFF to find the love of my life.

Let me tell you - it's been an interesting first few days. On POF, you are allowed to show interest in someone else in one of 3 ways.

1. Send them a "quick message" - i.e. write your best one-liner that both shows you read their profile and that you are SO cool, savy, and whitty. I haven't thought so hard about so few words since I took the SAT and knew that writing my name correctly was worth 800 points.

2. Indicate that you would like to meet someone with a click of a button - this is 1 of 2 of my favorite parts of this whole experience. It's like a Russion Roulette of weird men to choose from! They show you a picture and ask "would you like to meet me?" You just click the yes or no button!

The trick to this one is to remember no one can call you out if you don't want to meet them! I have become ruthless - it's like one yes for every 20 no's. I feel like Gandolf - every time I say no I shout "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" at my computer and laugh with glee.

3. You can send a "rose". I refuse to even entertain this option.

As a part of your profile, you are asked to write a headline...it shows up with your picture on Russion Roulette - and is meant to be an enticement for people to hit YES and actually go look at your full profile. This is my other favorite part of POF.

The crap people think will entice the opposite sex into wanting to "know more" is hilarious.

Here are some of the best I have stumbled upon:

All I want is... (IM SO INTRIGUED...WHAT? WHAT IS IT?)
Epic dude seeking epic chick (obviously?)
The words adventure and random are chick magnets (how's that working out...?)
... (...?)
Life is like a bag of gummy worms (no comment)
Intimate First (what does this mean)
Only intelligent women apply...and Hot is a plus... (at least he is honest)
Is she out there?? (Fido went west)

Just talk classy and act nasty...(honesty again, so refreshing)
Have a job, car, apartment, love jesus, need a girl (shortest resume I have ever read)
I just need someone to smoke weed and cuddle with (this honesty thing is getting ridiculous)
Every girl on here play games or what? (Yes, yes we do.)
Faithfu guy. y is so ****ing hard (The same reason spelling and grammar are hard...)

Here is my favorite message that I have received so far:

Your profile pic is soothing to look at in the winter. do you have that warm touch?...I refrained from responding.

The things I do for your entertainment people, the things I do.

Stay tuned for more adventures from POF.