A woman's brain

I recently read a description of a woman's brain that went like this:

Imagine your computer desk top. Now imagine opening a file folder because you need something out of it. Right when you get that open, you think of something else you need from a different folder, but you don't want to close the first folder because you still need it and don't want to forget that thing. Now imagine this same thing happening about 50 more times...in one hour. So now you have 50 folders open and you have to think about all of them at the same time incase you forget one. Welcome to a woman's brain.

 

Ever since hearing this, I've really been making a marked effort to NOT do this; to not open another folder until I close the one I'm working on. It is nearly impossible. My mind is constantly fighting against what it was BUILT to do. Women are made to withstand this type of thinking. We are wired to think about your needs, and his needs, and that person over there's needs. It is in our DNA.

Going against it makes me feel like I'm trying to change water into wine.

Typical conversation in my head:
What did she say this morning about inventory?
Hmm I should ping Cow and ask her
OH I need to find out how her weekend was
I should totally do something with them next weekend
Nevermind, I have that wedding to go to next weekend
OMG what am I going to wear
I'll go get that cute dress I saw at the Nordy's sale last week
Wonder if they'll have it in stock still
It will be fine - I bet they beef up their inventory for that
SHIT WHAT DID SHE SAY THIS MORNING ABOUT INVENTORY?

So you see, it's been an uphill battle. I've made small improvements at work; very small. I've found I am actually more productive - but not because multi-tasking was hindering this. No, now I just tell myself I can't get up until I've closed at least 5 "folders" - so I find myself going pee a lot less. Productivity is up, but so is bladder pain.

What I'd really like to do is improve my ability to close folders outside of work, but alas, I fear I'll need a therapist to help with that one.

These are my current folders - maybe writing about them will help me file some of them:

I worry about the homeless man I pass everyday on my way to work - did he think I was rude today because I didn't look at him? Does he remember that I gave him a few dollars last week? How often should I give him money? How many other people gave him money this morning?

I worry about the weird hairs I get on my chin sometimes - am I turning into a 95 year old woman before my time? Is it true that if you pluck, they come back darker and thicker? Should I not pluck then? Would my wax girl be mad at me if I plucked? What is my wax girls name?

I worry about how much training I'm doing for Kili - my boxing coach says running is not the best way to train - is he right? What is the best way? Is there really ever a best way to do anything?

I worry about my job - am I doing well? What does my next step look like? When should I take that step? Is that step really the direction I want to take my life? IS IT 5 YET? Is it terrible that I'm asking myself that? Am I allowed to not always LOVE my job, and still be counted as one of the happy people?

I worry about the amount of wine I drink - is it enough? Should I be drinking more?

I worry about how much I give to my relationships - am I spending enough time with the people I love? Do they know that I think about them all the time - that I love to worry about them? Am I balancing my own opinion and their opinion in weighing my choices the right way? Do they know that I am weighing their opinion - even if I don't choose it - that it was in my head - bouncing around - and that I am grateful for it?

I worry about God and my relationship with Him - is He ok with the way I'm living my life, even if it means right now I don't go to church, and I don't pray every night before bed? Does He know that even though I don't show it all the time, I am grateful for and in awe of this world? Is it wrong that I get so angry when other people try to tell me what their God would say; because he is my God too and I just don't agree sometimes? Does he sigh a little and shake his head every time I say "shit"? (I know exactly what he does when I say some of the other ones...)

 

Folders for days people. I think some of these folders will be here forever, a constant worry. Some of them will close as I get more confident in myself, who I am, and what I am becoming...but I'm sure they will be replaced by more - because I am a woman, with a woman's brain. I don't hate it.

**You probably noticed I figured out how to add gif's to these...you're welcome.

THE LIST

Drum roll please.

Introducing: Kelly's ever-growing list of peeves!

Let's start this off with a big one:

Off-brand food items. There are certain things you can skimp on - things like laundry detergent or toothpaste - but for the love of everything delicious, don't you dare present to me some "Kroger" or "Safeway" version of a classic.

Talking in songs. The ONLY song this is acceptable in is "Gimme More" in which "It's Britney B&%*$" was born. I paid to hear you sing, not talk. I recently heard a song in which Mariah Carey had her tiny children recite a monologue mid-song. It took me about .02 seconds to make one of these faces:

And then another 10 minutes to fully recover from the shock that multiple people were in a room and collectively decided baby talk would be acceptable album material.

Opening milk cartons. Do I need to explain this?

Jello salad. I would just like some answers here people. Why is this served at all holiday dinners? Why is a food primarily made of sugar called a salad? Who EVER told someone this tasted good?

Food in the shape of other food. Food is such a sensory experience - a big part of that is visual. If I see something in the shape of a cupcake, I get very excited because a cupcake is delicious. When that cupcake turns out to be a meatball, I get pissed.

Healthy "bad" food. Look, if I'm going to eat a cookie - give me a freaking cookie - with full fat butter and real sugar. Enough with all of this BS about trying to make what is SUPPOSED to be unhealthy, healthy. It's giving me a mental complex.

Stupid people. I recently read this headline on NPR: "As injuries rise, more calls to refuse the 'cinnamon challenge'". For those not aware - the "challenge" is to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon with no liquid to wash it down - you can imagine what some of the results have been. I'm not mad about this for the reason you may think, though. I am not mad at the people who do this challenge - we all do stupid shit sometimes. It's pretty obvious, though, that it comes with hazards. I am mad at the stupid people who blame others when they try things like the cinnamon challenge, and then get hurt. Those are the stupid people who really butter my biscuit. Not long ago, my brother and I tried the "gallon challenge"; you try and drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. After making it through about 3/4 of a gallon, I proceeded to puke about 14 times and experienced the most uncomfortable 24 hours of my life. Who did I blame? Me. That's who. And then I never drank milk again.

Swankifying the simple. I can respect trying to make something that is ordinary, extraordinary. For example, I recently made an "oreo-cookie-brownie." That made things that were already pretty good, ridiculously amazing. Some things though, some things are already perfect, things like S'mores. Don't touch that. Also - in regards to the below - lavender should never be added to any food - ever. It is gross.

Women wearing skirts while running. I have participated in 2 marathons and 1 half marathon. Every time, I see women wearing running skirts. Every time, I want to reach out and punch them in the butt; really-really hard. First of all, if you weigh more than 90lbs - your thighs are touching. Running 26.2 miles with your thighs touching creates friction - so I KNOW you are experiencing some serious "roadrash" down there. The whole POINT of shorts is to put something between those thighs to prevent this awfulness. Second, running 1 mile can be a cute sport. Running 5 miles can even be a cute sport for in-shape people. Running 13.1 or 26.2 miles is never going to be a cute sport. So stop that. Third, this isn't tennis.

When my computer thinks it's the boss. You know who the boss is?! Me and my opposable thumbs. Except in the case below - that was a very stressful situation in which I was not given any option that I wanted to take - aka "wait forever to shutdown".

FB Undersharing. Many complain about people who "overshare" on FB. While I agree with this frustration, I get equally upset when people undershare. If you are going to update your status 10 times in 2 hours with sad Taylor Swift song lyrics, you need to either disclose the reason, or don't do it at all. Otherwise, I have to spend 2 hours searching your wall and photos for potential clues as to what has put you into this state of despair that only more Swifty can cure.

Items that are "two-in-one". This includes, but is not limited to sporks, 2-in-1shampoo conditioner, and skorts. In all cases, both parts of the partnership are equally as important, but one gets the shaft.

Spork - there is not enough fork to grab even one strand of angel hair pasta. Useless.
Shamp/Cond - explain to me, please, how this was ever approved as a product. Shampoo's JOB is to wash off dirt, grime, and yesterday's hair product. Conditioner's job is to provide a protectant AFTER the hair has been stripped and cleaned by shampoo. So, when I do both of these things at the same time - I don't understand how the conditioner is not being washed off by the shampoo. My hair apparently does not understand it either because any time I have been forced to use this so called product, I end up with dreads, which to clarify, is not hair.
Skort - same idea as the mullet? Classy in the front, party in the back? Useless.

Don't think that I haven't realized that the majority of these items are food related. I have come to terms with my OCD food preferences and am dealing with them in counseling.