Imagine your computer desk top. Now imagine opening a file folder because you need something out of it. Right when you get that open, you think of something else you need from a different folder, but you don't want to close the first folder because you still need it and don't want to forget that thing. Now imagine this same thing happening about 50 more times...in one hour. So now you have 50 folders open and you have to think about all of them at the same time incase you forget one. Welcome to a woman's brain.
Ever since hearing this, I've really been making a marked effort to NOT do this; to not open another folder until I close the one I'm working on. It is nearly impossible. My mind is constantly fighting against what it was BUILT to do. Women are made to withstand this type of thinking. We are wired to think about your needs, and his needs, and that person over there's needs. It is in our DNA.
Going against it makes me feel like I'm trying to change water into wine.
Typical conversation in my head:
What did she say this morning about inventory?
Hmm I should ping Cow and ask her
OH I need to find out how her weekend was
I should totally do something with them next weekend
Nevermind, I have that wedding to go to next weekend
OMG what am I going to wear
I'll go get that cute dress I saw at the Nordy's sale last week
Wonder if they'll have it in stock still
It will be fine - I bet they beef up their inventory for that
SHIT WHAT DID SHE SAY THIS MORNING ABOUT INVENTORY?
So you see, it's been an uphill battle. I've made small improvements at work; very small. I've found I am actually more productive - but not because multi-tasking was hindering this. No, now I just tell myself I can't get up until I've closed at least 5 "folders" - so I find myself going pee a lot less. Productivity is up, but so is bladder pain.
What I'd really like to do is improve my ability to close folders outside of work, but alas, I fear I'll need a therapist to help with that one.
These are my current folders - maybe writing about them will help me file some of them:
I worry about the homeless man I pass everyday on my way to work - did he think I was rude today because I didn't look at him? Does he remember that I gave him a few dollars last week? How often should I give him money? How many other people gave him money this morning?
I worry about the weird hairs I get on my chin sometimes - am I turning into a 95 year old woman before my time? Is it true that if you pluck, they come back darker and thicker? Should I not pluck then? Would my wax girl be mad at me if I plucked? What is my wax girls name?
I worry about how much training I'm doing for Kili - my boxing coach says running is not the best way to train - is he right? What is the best way? Is there really ever a best way to do anything?
I worry about my job - am I doing well? What does my next step look like? When should I take that step? Is that step really the direction I want to take my life? IS IT 5 YET? Is it terrible that I'm asking myself that? Am I allowed to not always LOVE my job, and still be counted as one of the happy people?
I worry about the amount of wine I drink - is it enough? Should I be drinking more?
I worry about how much I give to my relationships - am I spending enough time with the people I love? Do they know that I think about them all the time - that I love to worry about them? Am I balancing my own opinion and their opinion in weighing my choices the right way? Do they know that I am weighing their opinion - even if I don't choose it - that it was in my head - bouncing around - and that I am grateful for it?
I worry about God and my relationship with Him - is He ok with the way I'm living my life, even if it means right now I don't go to church, and I don't pray every night before bed? Does He know that even though I don't show it all the time, I am grateful for and in awe of this world? Is it wrong that I get so angry when other people try to tell me what their God would say; because he is my God too and I just don't agree sometimes? Does he sigh a little and shake his head every time I say "shit"? (I know exactly what he does when I say some of the other ones...)
Folders for days people. I think some of these folders will be here forever, a constant worry. Some of them will close as I get more confident in myself, who I am, and what I am becoming...but I'm sure they will be replaced by more - because I am a woman, with a woman's brain. I don't hate it.
**You probably noticed I figured out how to add gif's to these...you're welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment