Introducing: Kelly's ever-growing list of peeves!
Let's start this off with a big one:
Off-brand food items. There are certain things you can skimp on - things like laundry detergent or toothpaste - but for the love of everything delicious, don't you dare present to me some "Kroger" or "Safeway" version of a classic.
Talking in songs. The ONLY song this is acceptable in is "Gimme More" in which "It's Britney B&%*$" was born. I paid to hear you sing, not talk. I recently heard a song in which Mariah Carey had her tiny children recite a monologue mid-song. It took me about .02 seconds to make one of these faces:
And then another 10 minutes to fully recover from the shock that multiple people were in a room and collectively decided baby talk would be acceptable album material.
Opening milk cartons. Do I need to explain this?
Jello salad. I would just like some answers here people. Why is this served at all holiday dinners? Why is a food primarily made of sugar called a salad? Who EVER told someone this tasted good?
Food in the shape of other food. Food is such a sensory experience - a big part of that is visual. If I see something in the shape of a cupcake, I get very excited because a cupcake is delicious. When that cupcake turns out to be a meatball, I get pissed.
Healthy "bad" food. Look, if I'm going to eat a cookie - give me a freaking cookie - with full fat butter and real sugar. Enough with all of this BS about trying to make what is SUPPOSED to be unhealthy, healthy. It's giving me a mental complex.
Stupid people. I recently read this headline on NPR: "As injuries rise, more calls to refuse the 'cinnamon challenge'". For those not aware - the "challenge" is to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon with no liquid to wash it down - you can imagine what some of the results have been. I'm not mad about this for the reason you may think, though. I am not mad at the people who do this challenge - we all do stupid shit sometimes. It's pretty obvious, though, that it comes with hazards. I am mad at the stupid people who blame others when they try things like the cinnamon challenge, and then get hurt. Those are the stupid people who really butter my biscuit. Not long ago, my brother and I tried the "gallon challenge"; you try and drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. After making it through about 3/4 of a gallon, I proceeded to puke about 14 times and experienced the most uncomfortable 24 hours of my life. Who did I blame? Me. That's who. And then I never drank milk again.
Swankifying the simple. I can respect trying to make something that is ordinary, extraordinary. For example, I recently made an "oreo-cookie-brownie." That made things that were already pretty good, ridiculously amazing. Some things though, some things are already perfect, things like S'mores. Don't touch that. Also - in regards to the below - lavender should never be added to any food - ever. It is gross.
When my computer thinks it's the boss. You know who the boss is?! Me and my opposable thumbs. Except in the case below - that was a very stressful situation in which I was not given any option that I wanted to take - aka "wait forever to shutdown".
FB Undersharing. Many complain about people who "overshare" on FB. While I agree with this frustration, I get equally upset when people undershare. If you are going to update your status 10 times in 2 hours with sad Taylor Swift song lyrics, you need to either disclose the reason, or don't do it at all. Otherwise, I have to spend 2 hours searching your wall and photos for potential clues as to what has put you into this state of despair that only more Swifty can cure.
Items that are "two-in-one". This includes, but is not limited to sporks, 2-in-1shampoo conditioner, and skorts. In all cases, both parts of the partnership are equally as important, but one gets the shaft.
Spork - there is not enough fork to grab even one strand of angel hair pasta. Useless.
Shamp/Cond - explain to me, please, how this was ever approved as a product. Shampoo's JOB is to wash off dirt, grime, and yesterday's hair product. Conditioner's job is to provide a protectant AFTER the hair has been stripped and cleaned by shampoo. So, when I do both of these things at the same time - I don't understand how the conditioner is not being washed off by the shampoo. My hair apparently does not understand it either because any time I have been forced to use this so called product, I end up with dreads, which to clarify, is not hair.
Skort - same idea as the mullet? Classy in the front, party in the back? Useless.
Don't think that I haven't realized that the majority of these items are food related. I have come to terms with my OCD food preferences and am dealing with them in counseling.
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