Here is a teaser for the story I am about to tell you: "Did you break the 520 bridge?" - Text from coworker.
My morning commute takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. Why such a huge range? It is a direct result of poor engineering. I have to cross the 520 bridge to get to work. The genius who designed said bridge did not think it was necessary to include shoulders.
Murphy's law says that if someone is going to get into an accident or have their car break down, they will do it in the middle of the bridge, effectively blocking one of the two lanes available to the thousands of people slogging to work every morning. As you can imagine, during rushhour, this causes huge back-ups and can take a 20 minute commute to a 60 minute crawl.
There I was, minding my own business while driving to work on Tuesday morning, when suddenly my ABS brake light goes on. Confused, I tested my brakes with a quick tappity tap tap tap and all seemed fine.
Using my expansive car knowledge, I said to myself, "huh, must just be a wire connection issue. I'm sure it will reset when I turn off the engine," and I went on my merry way.
In order to fully understand this story, I have created a very detailed and dramatic storyboard. Please see storyboard #1 for my location at this point in the plot:
***Artist's note: A five year old did not illustrate these...it is extremely hard to "storyboard" in the snipping tool***
You will notice I have labeled a "point of no return". The far left lane of I5 gives you the option to veer left and get on to 520, or to continue on down I5. If you choose to veer, and it is a mistake, you are screwed. Once you cross over that point of no return, you have no choice, you will be crossing the 520 bridge and paying the $5 toll for your trouble. There are no exits or escape routes once that point has been crossed.
Okay back to the story. So at this point, I am still in safe territory, I haven't veered. This would have been the appropriate time to exit the freeway, pull off the road, and check into the warning light on my dash.
As you probably guessed, I did not do this. I veered. I crossed the point of no return. Approximately 5 seconds after veering, the radio starts breaking up, the speedometer needle goes completely dead, and I am in a world of black. Two thoughts went through my head. Either the aliens have taken over earth and disabled all electronic devices from working, or this is the apocolypse.
Immediately, I am unable to accelerate. Lucy II slowly rolls to a stop. The honking begins.
This is what I don't understand. I get that I was THAT asshole that everybody hates. I fully understand that you will now be late to work. I accept this, I am sorry, you can have my first born child, but why are you honking at me?
I did not wake up this morning, start my drive into work, and then suddenly decide that parking in the middle of the 520 bridge was a fantastic idea. I was not parking to get out and take a picture. I did not stop so I could take a moment to talk on my cell phone. This was not how I wanted this morning's commute to go down. I swear. So stop honking at me. Or I will punch you in the throat.
At this point, I did what any girl would do. I called my dad. Because that is totally logical and he would definitely be able to help me with his tow truck and ability to fly. This is how the conversation went:
Me: "DAD. LUCY DIED IN THE MIDDLE OF 520. WHAT DO I DO?"
Dad: "Are you blocking the road?"
Me: "OF COURSE I'M BLOCKING THE ROAD. PEOPLE ARE HONKING AT ME. DO I CALL 911?!""
Dad: "You need to call AAA, Kelly."
Me: "Oh. Okay. That makes more sense."
I calmly (a.k.a. not at all calmly) call AAA and tell them the situation. They say they will try to hurry since I'm blocking, but they can only guarantee they will be there within an hour. I do not panic at all at this point...
Suddenly, I spot a white horse and my knight in shining armor. He is an incident response man who is roughly 45 and has a very bushy beard. I love him. He is going to "push" me across the bridge with his truck and into a gas station. All I have to do is put the car in neutral, steer, and under no circumstances touch the brakes. Right before he walks back to his car he yells through my window "put on your seatbelt!" Totally not panicking people. Not at all.
I actually manage to execute this task without any problems and safely pull into the gas station. 30 minutes later AAA is there, towing my car to the mechanic. 3 days, $650, and 4 years off my life due to stress later, Lucy II is back up and running. Her alternator decided to punk out on me.
Lessons learned:
1. If your ABS light goes on, it is not a "wire connection issue"
2. AAA is the best thing a girl could ask for
3. If you receive a fatty tax return, something bad will happen. Do not plan a vacation with that money, you will need it to fix the something bad.
Also - in honor of Friday - here is Batman Cat. You're welcome:
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